


The Many Faces of Eames

by Aja, earlgreytea68, involuntaryorange, kavsdick



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Crack, Twitter Collaboration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 14:33:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4839014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aja/pseuds/Aja, https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgreytea68/pseuds/earlgreytea68, https://archiveofourown.org/users/involuntaryorange/pseuds/involuntaryorange, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kavsdick/pseuds/kavsdick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a.k.a. a Twitter conversation that got SUPER WAY OUT OF HAND</p><p>wherein Aja, kavsdick, earlgreytea68 and involuntaryorange imagine Eames's many American incarnations, and ultimately settle on Hank Earl Eames, tractor salesman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Many Faces of Eames

**Author's Note:**

> This all started with a very innocent tweet by Aja. I have attempted to reconstruct the conversation in as orderly a fashion as possible by presenting it as a nested thread.

Aja: is it wrong of me to want to withhold kudos on principle from any fic that gives eames a first name sdfklja;dsf

> Aja: it just so often throws me right out of the fic ;_;
> 
> IO: I don't mind first names, as long as they're not something super American like Chad.
>
>> Aja: screams lol I dislike all the stereotypical British ones! So many Harrys and (Fitz)Williams and Charleses
>> 
>> Aja: but now i kinda want a fic where eames' first name is something really appalling like Chad or Mark or Ken or Dusty lol
>> 
>> Aja: and Arthur just mercilessly makes fun of him
>> 
>>  

KD: I WOULD READ ABOUT BEACH BUM AND/OR SNOWBOARDER CHAD EAMES

 

Aja: DUSTY EAMES, WINNER OF LAST YEAR'S TRI-STATE ARM-WRESTLING COMPETITION

 

KD: CHUCK EAMES, UNFUNNY STAND-UP COMEDIAN

 

IO: Randy Eames (the real reason he always goes by his last name)

 

IO: Brad Eames, the Abercrombie & Fitch sales clerk

 

Aja: Hank Eames, trucker by day, failed country musician by night

> IO: I believe you mean "trucker by day, failed country musician by night, truck-stop dogger 100% of the time"
>
>> Aja: "Darlin,' I've seen a thousand glory holes in my day, but none as glorious as yours"
>>
>>> IO: *Arthur swoons from the romance*

 

KD: Patrick EAMES, NHL prodigy

> Aja: (too soon)
>
>> KD: OMFG shame on me I forgot

 

IO: Or maybe his parents were ridiculous hippies and named him something like Moonshadow Chalcedony

> Aja: Yessss like in Erin's fic where his hippie parents named him Cerdic & his sister's was even sillier

 

Aja: TRENT EAMES, prep school son of a silicon valley startup guru

> KD: CRAWFORD EAMES, old money sending his future son to new England prep school

 

Aja: Tony Eames, eking out a living flipping pizza in a joint over on the east side

> IO: Tony and Arthur meet when Tony accuses Arthur of trying to steal from the battered soda cup that serves as the tip jar.
>
>> Aja: crying. The subsequent sidewalk fight lands them in juvie but it's worth it to see Arthur smile thru a split lip
> 
> KD: and of course Tony pronounces Arthur's name with the MOST exaggerated accent possible. AHTHA, DAHLIN.
>
>> IO: YA CAN'T BE SCAYD TO DREAM A LIDDUL BIGGUH, DAWLIN
> 
>  

IO: Cory Eames, unsuccessful children's party entertainer

> Aja: lololol he thinks he's a failure til he meets Arthur, the only person worse with kids than he is
>
>> IO: YES. At least Cory Eames can play the ukulele. Arthur plays the zither.

 

Aja: MURRAY EAMES, WASHED-UP BALLROOM DANCER

 

KD: Hunter Eames, shooting down the bayou

> IO: Hunter Eames, named his airboat Rosie Lynn
> 
> IO: Hunter Eames, has VERY STRONG feelings about the right way to make a jumbalaya
>
>> KD: don't get him started on Yanks and their bland corn and potatoes

 

IO: OMG OMG but what if we go north of the border and encounter LARRY EAMES, TIM HORTON'S FRANCHISEE?

> IO: He flirts with Arthur by giving him an extra Timbit with every order
>
>> KD: MARRIAGE WORTHY
> 
> Aja: omg Larry Eames in a terrible Due South-ish canadian shack homage is all i want in my life lol
> 
> KD: LEAFS FAN!! BC HE'S NOT A RRRREAL CANADIAN
> 
>  

KD: MIKEY EAMES, Boston superfan and Fenway bar owner

> Aja: ARTHUR IS A METS FAN
>
>> IO: Let's be real, canon Arthur is totally a Mets fan.
>>
>>> KD: don't hurt me like this
>>> 
>>> EGT: This. He totally is.
>>>
>>>> KD: STILL AWFUL
>>> 
>>> Aja: canon Arthur hacks into the Yankees actual player database & tries to trade A-Rod
>>>
>>>> KD: updates the scratch list before every game
>>>>
>>>>> Aja: omfg i want this to be a real fic lololol that someone who actually knows about baseball needs to write
>>>>>
>>>>>> IO: paging earlgreytea68!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> EGT: I am already on it. I saw baseball and I was on it.
>>>> 
>>>> EGT: You wonder why A-Rod was suspended for that whole season? ::looks meaningfully at Arthur::
> 
>  

 

IO: Rounding out the non-rhotic accents: Earl Eames, tractor salesman

> Aja: afterglow involves Eames explaining the correct way to make sweet tea, no look this is V IMPORTANT
>
>> EGT: And Arthur is like, "That is not tea that is an entire pitcher of *sugar* mildly dissolved."
>>
>>> Aja: HANK EARL HUNTER FORREST EAMES IS SO OFFENDED
>>>
>>>> EGT: Always called "Hank Earl Hunter." And Arthur's like, "Why do you have to use three names?"
>>>>
>>>>> Aja: rednecks have at least three names depending on how many civil war generals they had in the family
>>>>>
>>>>>> EGT: They're really sad because Arthur has no Civil War generals to be named after.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> KD: Hank Earl Hunter gives him an honorary extra name
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> EGT: Arthur Darling.
>> 
>> KD: "Why is everything spicy why are your BOILED POTATOES SPICY??" he loves it
>>
>>> EGT: Eames brings spice to his life, eh? ::eyebrow waggle::
>>>
>>>> KD: HYUCK
>>>> 
>>>>  
> 
> EGT: And Arthur scandalizes everyone in the town by only having one name AND NO MIDDLE NAME EVEN.
>
>> Aja: arthur scandalizes everyone in the town by BEING JEWISH
>>
>>> EGT: They have never met a Jewish person. They're really concerned about the possible pork situation.
>>>
>>>> Aja: they pray about him over sunday morning services
>>>>
>>>>> EGT: "Lord, please bring pork into Arthur Joe's life."
>>>>>
>>>>>> IO: "Shouldn't you be wearin' one of them head frisbees?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> EGT: "Do you have any pictures from when your penis got chopped off?" "...Not what happens. And no."
>>
>>> Aja: and then not coming to church even after people invite him (bc jewishness can't stop the lord)
>>>
>>>> EGT: Arthur has to wait for the breakfast place to open because everybody's at church. He just wants coffee
>>>>
>>>>> Aja: and that's after going to the next town over bc no businessman in this town operates on sunday
>>>>>
>>>>>> EGT: And everyone's like, "Didn't see you at church, Arthur Joe." And he's like, "I'm Jewish."
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> EGT: And they're like, "All the more reason for you to come to church and find God."
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> EGT: And he's like, "We actually found God first..." but then he's worried they'll withhold coffee .
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> EGT: So he's like, "Never mind, praise Jesus, hallelujah."
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Aja: this is probably smart since it cuts down on the number of ppl seriously asking if he's in a cult
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> EGT: Arthur puts a Jesus fish on his car just to get everyone off his back.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Aja: starts hanging "W.W.J.D." bracelets around his house like garlic to ward off vampires, but jesusy
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> EGT: HAHAHAHAHAHA he forgets he's wearing one when he goes home to visit his mom.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> KD: "Dear, do you need to stay here for a while? Is everything okay?"
>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>> Aja: WHY ARE YOU EVEN LIVING THERE, HIS MOM ASKS IN CONFUSION. "well there's this guy named hank earl"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> EGT: And his mother is so worried. "Hank Earl?" "Two names because of Confederate generals." "What..?"
>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>  
> 
> EGT: And don't even get him started on how it's a dry county.
>
>> Aja: dry STATE, you mean
>>
>>> EGT: "THE NEAREST WINE IS SIX HOURS AWAY???" "Calm down, Arthur Joe, here's some moonshine."
>> 
>> Aja: HE CAN'T EVEN BUY FIREWORKS
>>
>>> EGT: I envision him getting drunk on moonshine and crying, "There are no bagels here. Or fireworks."
>>>
>>>> IO: AND GOD FORBID YOU ASK FOR A BIALY. THEY THINK IT'S SLANG FOR SOME DEVIANT SEX ACT
>>>>
>>>>> Aja: Arthur casually talks about grabbing a knish one day on 42nd st and gets banned from 3 churches
>> 
>> EGT: "And I would really like to read the Sunday Times."
>> 
>>  
> 
> Aja: can't order anything sketchy bc the mailman looks through his mail
>
>> EGT: "So did you order a dildo?" "OMG." And then they pray extra hard for Arthur Joe.
>> 
>> IO: But he can buy a rifle at 12 stores within walking distance.
>>
>>> IO: The townspeople are like finally we can relate to Arthur Joe! "Goin huntin?" "Uh, something like that."
> 
>  
> 
> EGT: The townsfolk, concerned about him, have bought him a camouflage tie.
>
>> KD: AND BOOTS
>>
>>> EGT: And they're really hurt if he doesn't wear them.
> 
>  
> 
> Aja: he can buy a 12-gauge at his local Wal-Mart but not Harry Potter bc that's demonic
>
>> EGT: Kids break into his house to read his Harry Potter books.
>>
>>> Aja: omg can he start a bootleg liberal book lending library
>>> 
>>> Aja: ARTHUR RELUCTANTLY BUYING COPIES OF TWILIGHT BC TEEN GIRLS DESERVE A FAIR CHANCE TO HATE SMEYER
>>>
>>>> EGT: "I will let you read this but then we're going to have a conversation about controlling boyfriends."
>>>>
>>>>> EGT: "Also, you wear sleeveless shirts if you want to, and do you need birth control?"
>>> 
>>> KD: ARTHUR'S LIBRARY OF BANNED BOOKS
>>>
>>>> EGT: That's the name of the fic.
>>> 
>>> IO: It's like 80% Judy Blume, he's so bored he reads each of them a dozen times
>>>
>>>> EGT: And then when Hank Earl does things, he's like, "This is just like that part in 'Forever.'"
>>>> 
>>>> IO: He really starts to empathize with Margaret. "SHE JUST WANTS BOOBS. STUPID LAURA DANKER"
>>>>
>>>>> EGT: "SHE JUST WANTS BOOBS. I JUST WANT BAGELS. I HEAR YOU, MARGARET."
>>>
>>>> Aja: omg i bet he gets really into sweet valley high and starts over-empathizing with elizabeth :(
>>>>
>>>>> EGT: "Why does she have to clean up Jessica's messes all the time? Stupid Jessica."
>>>>>
>>>>>> EGT: Tbh Jessica is the Cobb of Sweet Valley.
>>>>> 
>>>>> Aja: one day during a fight with Hank Earl he snaps YOU GET AWAY W/EVERYTHING BC YOU'RE THE COOL ONE!
>>>>> 
>>>>> EGT: "WHATEVER, Hank Earl, some of us are worried about getting into college." "...What?"
>>>>> 
>>>>> KD: "I... NEVER MIND. JUST. READ THESE" throws a pile of books at Hank Earl
>>>>> 
>>>>> EGT: "These will help you truly understand me." "...These are for teenage girls." "SEXIST, HANK EARL."
>>>>> 
>>>>> Aja: "Look, when your sister steals your boyfriend after his long-term amnesia, that's universal"
>>>>> 
>>>>> IO: *throws a copy of Then Again, Maybe I Won't* FINE HERE'S ONE FOR BOYS. IT'S GOT MASTURBATION IN IT.
>>> 
>>> Aja: oh my god thank god they finally get their hands on Laurie Halse Anderson & the fighting stops
>>>
>>>> EGT: Hank Earl is like, "Got any more of these?" He joins Arthur's book club.
>>> 
>>> IO: Arthur starts wearing red, black, and white outfits, to be more like Claudia Kishi
>>>
>>>> Aja: omfg. "How Arthur and Claudia Kishi brought the Noise to Beaver's Hollow, Alabama"
>>>>
>>>>> EGT: This is an important coming-of-age book.
>>>> 
>>>> EGT: HAHAHAH. With his camouflage boots.
>>>>
>>>>> Aja: funky camo boots with neon pink leggings and lisa frank bratz backpack, I LOVE THIS
>>>>>
>>>>>> EGT: IMAGINE HIS MOTHER SEEING HIM DRESSED LIKE THAT, OMG.
>>> 
>>> EGT: "Read any good books lately?" "Do you know about this series 'The Babysitter's Club'? Bc it's amazing"
> 
>  
> 
> EGT: He & the teens have serious discussions about dystopian futures. Arthur tries to get them to eat lox.
>
>> KD: they are SO SUSPICIOUS of this package
>>
>>> EGT: HAHAHA. "Is it raccoon poison?" "What? No. What?" "Smells like raccoon poison."
>
>> IO: He makes them potato pancakes and they insist on putting ketchup on them
>>
>>> EGT: Poor Arthur, lol.
>>>
>>>> Aja: FWIW southern kids have potato pancakes! (and they do put ketchup on them)
>>>> 
>>>> Aja: he'd be, LATKES! *flourish* and they'd be like, oh, my grandma made those last week *adds mustard*
>>>>
>>>>> EGT: "Way better than that raccoon poison you tried to feed us." "It's not..."

 


End file.
